Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Zombie Bar Etiquette 101

Hey guys… you’re hanging out in the local zombie bar with your undead pals, just having a few strong drinks and relaxing after a hard day of dragging your decomposing body through the post-apocalyptic streets and slaughtering the living. And suddenly, across the room, you spot that smoking hot redhead. Or maybe she’s a blonde. It’s hard to tell with that gaping head wound. Anyway, you notice that she’s giving you the eye— the good one— so you start that long walk to the other end of the bar. You’re nervous. You have butterflies in your stomach. Probably literally. If your veins weren’t full of embalming fluid, your heart would totally be pounding right now. Assuming you still have a lower jaw and the capacity for human speech, what are you going to say?

Well, worry no longer. Here are some un-deadly cool lines to help you score with that hot piece of graveyard bait.

  • Would you like to go back to my opened grave? Grab a shovel!

  • I am so NOT being politically incorrect… I totally admitted that you were “Living Challenged”!!! No really!!!!

  • You’ve stolen my heart. No, seriously. Can I have it back?

  • Okay, so you ate the dentist shortly after he extracted your wisdom teeth… who hasn't thought of doing that after  surgery... over and over again?

  • If I had a cell phone, or any fingers left, I would ask you for your number... but I also noticed that most of your fingers are missing... and cell phones are so overrated...

  • As a matter of fact, I really “am” Bruce Jenner”.

  • I have needs that cannibalism just can’t satisfy.

  • It’s a good thing I’m a zombie too, because I have to admit... you are drop-dead gorgeous!

  • Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Or when you landed on that sharp stick? You should probably take that out, you know.

  • If my lungs still worked, you would totally take my breath away!

  • Well, okay. You got me on that one. It really is rigor mortis. But I’m still very happy to see you!

  • I’d give my right arm for a date with you. Here you go!

  • Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been fumbling and lurching and dragging yourself through my mind all day.

  • I like my women exactly the way I like my tequila… cold and stiff. And… that whole worm thing is the topper... I swear…….I love you for your braaaaaaaaains!

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